The black satin whisper of an evening gown, the macabre twists of a bloody b-movie, the ever-present death pun. While it sucks to watch someone run away with your cultural iconic idea, I can’t say I’m particularly unhappy that Maila Nurmi – the original Vampira – lost her lawsuit against Elvira, Mistress of the Night for stealing her schtick. This intoxicating combination of glamour, horror, and bad comedy is much too fabulous a job description to get snapped up by one one person, ever.

This is especially important when women comics still get a lot of flak that they’re “not as funny as men.” (Which I think is total bullshit, by the way.) The horror hostess is a way to be a comedienne and drop-dead sexxxay at the same time – true, there are varying degrees of self-parody, especially considering the caricatures of over-the-top femininity, but the jokes are generally aimed at the movie, not her. She’s the one sharpening her barbs on the fainting couch, waiting hungrily for the next dollop of shlock to ooze through her TV set.

Elvira has since gone on to a kind of cult-mainstream success with beer commercials, her own movies, as much legitimacy as you can muster for this sort of thing. If you really want the “true” queens of late-night trash – the ones whose TV studio environs more closely match the low-budget lives they’re watching – you have to go local.

First up, Ivonna Cadaver of “Macabre Theater,” which ran on KDOC-Los Angeles in, according to what the commenters are saying, the early aughts. And she’s certainly got that Leg Avenue Goth look going on, when teased hair and jagged velvets got tossed in favor of mucho PVC. This hostess boasts the co-star of Butch Patrick, and while the vibe is still that heady brew of dark and loony, the Hollywood connections shine through with interviews, premieres, contests, and the general feeling that this is not three people messing around in a basement somewhere. It’s still good stuff, just more pro about it.

Next, “Morella’s Graveyard Theater,” station and location unknown. Here, things take more of a classically medieval doing-bad-things-in-a-castle turn. Morella, who looks like she could be modeling for a Lee Press-On nails commercial in her off time, sticks with the 80’s formula of big hair and clingy bellsleeved gown. Her show goes for more of a standup-comedy setup, complete with a laugh track that seems more sad than campy. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot on YouTube about Graveyard Theater, so we’ll probably never know how much she got to play with that dungeon stuff in the background, but the lady definitely had fun with her fog machine.

Last, but certainly not least, “Saturday Night Dead” on KYW Channel 3, Philadelphia – home of That Maneater from Manayunk, Stella! This horror hostess embraces her inner Mae West to the max, wearing evening gloves, a rhinestone collar, and not one but *two* feather boas. The trompe-l’oeil boudoir is a stroke of lowbrow brilliance, mirroring the shoddy set design of the b-movies themselves: “give her whatever decadent, luxurious furniture she wants – in paint and cardboard!” Even better, she gets a few other actors to play with so there’s her own little sexually ravenous mini-drama going on alongside the feature presentation. Bravo.

Bonus! An 80’s montage of horror hosts, which includes Cheech Marin as the devil, and this gem from an interview with Frankenstein:
“What sign were you born under?”
“Danger: High Voltage.”